I offered to marry and stay by her side, but she says in the morning, she sails with the tide.

I have lost my long-term vision.

Been in such a weird decision making phase. I don’t want to plan anything that is more than a month out into the future. I refuse to be definitive with anything that relates to a life that is realistically not being lived right now.

It started after failing to participate with Mozambique in September of last year. After realizing what I had been preparing my life for had passed me up.. I broke. In the mean time of trying to mold myself again, I just didn’t want to plan anything after June of this year. June just felt like it was a combination of the beginning and the end. It felt like June was hopefully going to be the next time my life was to drastically change. I didn’t know how, but I didn’t want to be committed to anything if this change required me to give something up.

My life paused being unemployed, living at home, heartbroken for two months. But then I finally picked up a job in December and had a huge wave of meeting new people, participating in more short term opportunities, it felt progressive. But that can only last so long as life is consistently inconsistent.

I want to feel moved again. And the only thing that is really going to do that is change. I can’t commit because I am too in love with the lusty temporary high of change. The thrill of something different or something new. No dedication to relationships, to a career, to a location, to an opinion. It’s nice because I am getting a lot more experience however it is also a destructive lifestyle as I push everything and anything away that could be good for me.

Been ‘living in the moment’ too much lately. It reinforces my unattached behavior. It’s not that what I am doing isn’t worth it or is wrong, because it’s definitely allowed me to learn how to let go and accept, but my heart seems to be aching for commitment or at least for a plan. To know where I will be and that I will be happy when I get there.

And the road to self-improvement continues…

I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home.

(via bookoasis-deactivated20120227)

What’s the best feeling? When you finally come to the point where you don’t care anymore and you’re really just enjoying yourself, your company, your decisions, your moment.

I love who I have. My family, my friends, and more and more of myself.

Happy snowfall. Give thanks.